I'm Not Ready, I'm Just Scared

Really that is all there is to it. As I have struggled with the newness of life this year--a new city, a new marriage, a new expereince of being unemployed--I realize that I have failed miserably in the task I set before myself. I am a good writer. I even enjoy it. I can teach it and teach it and teach it all day long. I can tell others why someone is a good writer. I can describe good books, good phrases, good writing. I can recognize it. I can get others excited about it. I can explain and exemplify the things I am trying to teach my students ALL DAY LONG! Perhaps this is all I am right now. A teacher of writing. A teacher of literature. Since I have not been able to be that this past year, maybe I was looking to fill the void. Maybe that is the only sights I should be setting right now. Teaching again. I miss it.

In Awe...

I just finished reading another book, and as this story came to an end and I have visions of setting and feelings of great passion I feel for and through the characters, I wonder at the power of words and I am in utter AWE for those people who can mold words into such incredible stories! Not only that, but they do it over and over and over again. It makes me realize that I will never realize my dream of becoming a great or even a good writer unless I am writing everyday.
As an educator, I tell my kiddos all that time that in order to become better at something--anything--they must practice. Daily! Read everyday, write everyday, run, play, work at it, and you will become better. Why, then, am I not following my own advice?
Yesterday I wrote of my journaling adventure, and today I realize that it is not enough. I must put in the time and effort. I must make myself worthy of the power of the word and write, like I have never written before.
I feel as if anyone reading this would laugh and say, "DUH!" So, duh! it is! Make it a priority as much as I can. Make the choice to become great, and work towards that goal. I can't get it out of my head. Writing is all I think about. It consumes me, and I have to wonder why, when I spend so much time thinking is over, and I have the time now to work on it, why am I not writing more?
Time to push through the fear! Push through the idea that I can't! I can. I will.

Journaling

The progress on my book has halted. HALTED! I don't even know when I am going to be able to focus enough to sit down and write! So much is happening in my life right now that I have turned, once again, to another form of writing I find to be so uplifting, so calming! I have turned to journaling. I jump between avid journal writer and non-existent! However, with so much going on, I have needed an outlet to write down all the events and my feelings about them. So, I just filled up a journal I started six years ago (I told you I jump back and forth) and have started a new one. I have made a deal with myself to try and write SOMETHING in there on a daily basis. So far, so good. I am amazed at how things flow when I begin writing. I always think, "I have nothing to really say today." Then three pages later, I discover that I had TOO much to say and 45 minutes have passed.

I think that my new goal will be to focus on this blog a little more. I want it to be a personal success for me! I need to figure out why this writing thing is so important to me! Why do I want to do this so much? Why is it so important to me to call myself a writer? I think I need to get myself figured out, so I can  move to focusing on others--namely, my characters!

Ah, Praise!

There are three people who have actually read my book. My hubby, who loves it because he is wonderful and supportive and loves everything I do (well, almost). Sister L, who read it and then proceeded to try and tell me about it one day. This was a total compliment, and then Sister H called me after reading what I sent her a month ago and demanded more. Made my night. Motivation to write more? Perhaps. We'll see tomorrow.

I love to read!

If there was a job where I could just be a professional reader and read all day long, I think this would be the perfect job for me! I set a goal for myself to read a book a week this year. I post on my other blog Sadler Life all about the books I have read. I am devouring them lately, and I am loving it! Perhaps I don't want to be a write, maybe I want to be a publisher or an agent. How does one get into that line of work? Although, the best writers are great readers. Perhaps I just struggle daily with what I want to be when I grow up. I am not sure I will ever figure that one out!